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Archive for May 2011

May 30, 2011 @ 5:54 pm

Are you Ghetto or White Trash–Take the Test

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In our last episode, one of our listeners asked us to help define the distinction between ghetto and white trash.  And while we're at it, what about, guidos and red necks? We can't ignore them either. So we developed a handy spreadsheet for you to use as a guide. If you want to know what category you fall into, know that if your lifestyle reflects 14 out of the 20 variables presented, you belong to that happy group! So get to it, y'all!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Variable Ghetto White Trash Red Neck Guido
Geography urban suburban/rural/urban rural urban/suburban
Race all white white all
Taste in Music rap rap/country (happy songs) country (sad songs) cheesy dance
Usage of Crystal Meth no yes yes no
Gold Jewelry yes yes no yes
Cash Flow high to low high to low high to low high to low
Dress Code hip hop/tank tops hip hop/tank tops tank tops/flannel shirts tanks tops/no tops
Smoke Menthol Cigarettes yes yes yes yes
Wear a Hair Piece yes yes no yes
Threatened by Tornadoes no yes yes no
Gun Ownership yes yes yes no
Wife Beater (as in, not a tank top) yes yes yes yes
Penciled-in/Over-plucked Eyebrows yes yes no yes
Owning rims yes no  no yes
Being Paris Hilton no yes no no
Loud in Public yes yes yes yes
All Repairs Done with Duct Tape no yes yes no, you got a guy
Willingness to Get into a Fist Fight yes yes yes yes
Use of the Word: Y'all yes yes yes yes
 BBQ on Front Lawn no yes yes yes

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May 22, 2011 @ 7:58 pm

The Rapture, Cosmo, and Ron Perlman

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Well, obviously we made it. Or we have been left behind and by we I mean you as well. In this episode recorded during the May 21st 2011 Non-Rapture event Jacquetta and Katie read actual listener mail and reveal their drag queen names. They dish the dirt on such diverse topics as easing in and out of a cleanse, the gay agenda on mass transit, how to survive the "rapture", atheist dog rescue, white trash vs. ghetto, weave snatching, how to trick/pick up a man, Hobo with a Shotgun vs. Hellboy, Jon Cryer and Matt Broderick: snivelers or not, the swagger of Sheen, and a little more.

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May 16, 2011 @ 10:14 pm

The Profile and Beguile of the Reptile

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In Episode 9, we examine the conspiracy theory of the "Lizard People"--alien lizard humanoids living among earthlings (somewhat) undetected. Some claim these Lizard People secretly control humanity and strive for world domination. You know the type: Queen Elizabeth, both Presidents Bush, and of course, Kris Kristofferson. One listener of HYKI offered her two cents on the topic, which we will share with you--on the condition that we preserve her anonymity: Dear HYKI: Let me preface this note by saying that I, myself, am not a member of the Reptilian Order. I can state this for a fact as I do not occupy a position of power and am currently a drain on society collecting unemployment. That said, I am well acquainted with several people who may indeed be Reptilian. This includes but is not limited to friends of our family who have attended Andover, Yale, and Oxford and is now a major player in an investment bank (!!!). That particular person is not, however the subject of this note. I refer, instead, to a doctor friend of mine. He prepped with my cousin in boarding school in California, and later attended college in Vermont. Interestingly, his father said to him his junior year of high school, "Get a B average and I'll get you into Harvard." Said friend did not avail himself of his father's offer, but both of his siblings did. This friend is a member of a certain "Outdoor Club". A peculiar California institution that has been profiled by none other than Vanity Fair Magazine! If that doesn't wreak of lizard breath, I don't know what does! My cousin and I have endeavored to get our friend to strip down to his true Reptilian skin. He has thus far refused our advances. I have no fear that he will one day relent and show us his shiny, shiny scales. And on that day, my dear HYKI, the truth of the Reptilian Order will be revealed! Yours, A Friend (of HYKI)

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May 10, 2011 @ 12:29 am

Rupaul’s Shangela, Lizard People & the 2011 HKYI Balls Out Bachelorette Party

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The results are in on the "Actor with the Best Yell Poll, inspirational drag queens like Shangela Laquifah Wadley, how to look thinner using pinstripes, architectural features and a loud voice, curing hoarding with kerosene and a match, Katie's broke-ass childhood summer games, Jacquetta - theatre school drop out, street whisperers, bachelorette party time machine, dropping trou, a thriller themed male review, The Rock vs Vin Diesel, and a lot more.

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May 3, 2011 @ 10:14 pm

More Advice on Advice: Matters of the Heart, and Genitals

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Episode 7 left us pondering: How can you tell if a woman will cheat? Ian Kerner, sex counselor and author knows the “signs” of a cheater for sure.  Well, maybe.  Kerner, offers broad generalizations, err, “signs”, such as: Sign #5—She shows less tolerance of her partner’s friends and family. Did he ever consider that these people may just be duds, and getting annoyed with them is a normal reaction?  One can’t be expected to gush with thanks every time the mother-in-law demonstrates the “right” way to load the dishwasher. And when Cousin Lois reminds everyone only the believers will be saved, come Judgment Day.  Or to giggle behind her hand like a geisha at her husband’s stale recitation of yet another SNL catchphrase.  No, she will not “touch your monkey”. It’s too big of leap to assume a woman is looking for some fresh wiener when she’s just trying to let you know how displeased she feels about serving nachos to your NASCAR buddies who come over and sweat into her couch every weekend. And the article notes while there are no hard statistics, female infidelity is on the rise. If there are no statistics, how do they know this? Is “making it up” now part of the scientific method? It’s also cited that women who make over $75,000 are 1.5 times more likely to cheat than those who make under $30,000.  Since only 2% of working women make over $75,000, everyone can relax.  That’s not a lot of women. And to the reader who asks, “Will I cheat if I make $50,000 a year?”  The answer is, if you’re up for a raise, you may be .75 times more likely to think about it.  Sound fair?  I made it up.

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