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June 27, 2011 @ 9:53 pm

A Jug of Wine, and (what the heck) Thou

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This is a true story my grandmother told me as a child: Grandma was a teenager during prohibition, living in Pennsylvania. Her family owned a vinyard, and by law they were only allowed to make wine for the church. Even though it was illegal, they made extra to sell to the cathouse down the road. Under the cover of night, grandma would function as a lookout. The son of the whoremaster would drive over and make the pickup. After a few visits, the son asked grandma out to dinner. He took her to a dark, remote restaurant and ushered her to a table in the shadows. Sitting at the table, grandma burst out in tears. She thought that her father sold her off to the cathouse proprietor to work as a whore, and that she was being taken away for good. But it turned out they were just out on a date! Boy, did they have a good laugh!

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May 30, 2011 @ 5:54 pm

Are you Ghetto or White Trash–Take the Test

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In our last episode, one of our listeners asked us to help define the distinction between ghetto and white trash.  And while we're at it, what about, guidos and red necks? We can't ignore them either. So we developed a handy spreadsheet for you to use as a guide. If you want to know what category you fall into, know that if your lifestyle reflects 14 out of the 20 variables presented, you belong to that happy group! So get to it, y'all!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Variable Ghetto White Trash Red Neck Guido
Geography urban suburban/rural/urban rural urban/suburban
Race all white white all
Taste in Music rap rap/country (happy songs) country (sad songs) cheesy dance
Usage of Crystal Meth no yes yes no
Gold Jewelry yes yes no yes
Cash Flow high to low high to low high to low high to low
Dress Code hip hop/tank tops hip hop/tank tops tank tops/flannel shirts tanks tops/no tops
Smoke Menthol Cigarettes yes yes yes yes
Wear a Hair Piece yes yes no yes
Threatened by Tornadoes no yes yes no
Gun Ownership yes yes yes no
Wife Beater (as in, not a tank top) yes yes yes yes
Penciled-in/Over-plucked Eyebrows yes yes no yes
Owning rims yes no  no yes
Being Paris Hilton no yes no no
Loud in Public yes yes yes yes
All Repairs Done with Duct Tape no yes yes no, you got a guy
Willingness to Get into a Fist Fight yes yes yes yes
Use of the Word: Y'all yes yes yes yes
 BBQ on Front Lawn no yes yes yes

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May 16, 2011 @ 10:14 pm

The Profile and Beguile of the Reptile

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In Episode 9, we examine the conspiracy theory of the "Lizard People"--alien lizard humanoids living among earthlings (somewhat) undetected. Some claim these Lizard People secretly control humanity and strive for world domination. You know the type: Queen Elizabeth, both Presidents Bush, and of course, Kris Kristofferson. One listener of HYKI offered her two cents on the topic, which we will share with you--on the condition that we preserve her anonymity: Dear HYKI: Let me preface this note by saying that I, myself, am not a member of the Reptilian Order. I can state this for a fact as I do not occupy a position of power and am currently a drain on society collecting unemployment. That said, I am well acquainted with several people who may indeed be Reptilian. This includes but is not limited to friends of our family who have attended Andover, Yale, and Oxford and is now a major player in an investment bank (!!!). That particular person is not, however the subject of this note. I refer, instead, to a doctor friend of mine. He prepped with my cousin in boarding school in California, and later attended college in Vermont. Interestingly, his father said to him his junior year of high school, "Get a B average and I'll get you into Harvard." Said friend did not avail himself of his father's offer, but both of his siblings did. This friend is a member of a certain "Outdoor Club". A peculiar California institution that has been profiled by none other than Vanity Fair Magazine! If that doesn't wreak of lizard breath, I don't know what does! My cousin and I have endeavored to get our friend to strip down to his true Reptilian skin. He has thus far refused our advances. I have no fear that he will one day relent and show us his shiny, shiny scales. And on that day, my dear HYKI, the truth of the Reptilian Order will be revealed! Yours, A Friend (of HYKI)

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May 3, 2011 @ 10:14 pm

More Advice on Advice: Matters of the Heart, and Genitals

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Episode 7 left us pondering: How can you tell if a woman will cheat? Ian Kerner, sex counselor and author knows the “signs” of a cheater for sure.  Well, maybe.  Kerner, offers broad generalizations, err, “signs”, such as: Sign #5—She shows less tolerance of her partner’s friends and family. Did he ever consider that these people may just be duds, and getting annoyed with them is a normal reaction?  One can’t be expected to gush with thanks every time the mother-in-law demonstrates the “right” way to load the dishwasher. And when Cousin Lois reminds everyone only the believers will be saved, come Judgment Day.  Or to giggle behind her hand like a geisha at her husband’s stale recitation of yet another SNL catchphrase.  No, she will not “touch your monkey”. It’s too big of leap to assume a woman is looking for some fresh wiener when she’s just trying to let you know how displeased she feels about serving nachos to your NASCAR buddies who come over and sweat into her couch every weekend. And the article notes while there are no hard statistics, female infidelity is on the rise. If there are no statistics, how do they know this? Is “making it up” now part of the scientific method? It’s also cited that women who make over $75,000 are 1.5 times more likely to cheat than those who make under $30,000.  Since only 2% of working women make over $75,000, everyone can relax.  That’s not a lot of women. And to the reader who asks, “Will I cheat if I make $50,000 a year?”  The answer is, if you’re up for a raise, you may be .75 times more likely to think about it.  Sound fair?  I made it up.

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April 29, 2011 @ 11:26 pm

Sounds Good to Me

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Hey You Know it is like an old-timey radio show, without the radio. Or the old-timeyness. It's a podcast that you subscribe to--like a magazine--but you don't get a magazine. Hmmm. Let's just say you were able to download our show from Itunes to your Ipod. Now you can take us with you wherever you go. And I daresay that we make anything you do while listening to us just a little more fun. Try: folding laundry, sitting on the couch, looking around.  Much better, isn't it? If you can think of anything else to do while listening to us, let us know, send an email to: heyyouknowit@gmail.com

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April 16, 2011 @ 6:45 pm

Fight Crime and Breast Cancer

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In our last podcast (Ep. 7: Relationships, Injustice, and Jason Bateman)  I recounted my comic-tragic story of how I got sucker punched on the A train. My response was that I needed to get a piece, but we know that ain't going to happen. It's just too inconvenient with NYC's restrictive gun laws that keep us all safe from gun-related crimes. Really the only people can secure a gun in NYC sans hassle are criminals and I am not ready for street justice. Perhaps I'll reconsider after I get assaulted again and the cops do NOTHING again and then just downgrade it to menacing.  Well, they have to protect their stats and make the city look safer, otherwise they would be not not doing their jobs... Maybe then I'll consider going vigilante ala Jodie Foster in the seminal "this little lady has had enough" flick The Brave One.

So after careful consideration we decided on the next best thing, aside from getting a functioning police department that responds to victims, is this little baby: The Sabre Red Pepper Spray from Bud K. This ready-for-clutch-purse-carrying pepper spray not only helps you fight crime--it helps you fight breast cancer. And it's pink, the defining color of femininity. So when you blast this in your attacker's eyes he'll be aware of breast cancer all the way to the precinct until they release him on his own recognizance, because you were asking for it anyway. Is there anything you can't buy that doesn't support the fight against breast cancer? That's a rhetorical question, of course. Also available, Lipstick Stun Gun. It's the kiss of death, with style...

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March 31, 2011 @ 1:44 pm

Ashamed of Your Armpits? Dove Says You Should Be

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Women are clearly stupid. Don’t get offended. I was just channeling the thoughts of the ad folks responsible for Dove’s cynical marketing campaign to convince women that their armpits (yes armpits) are fucking hideous.

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It’s just not enough that we are starving ourselves to look like victimized Ukrainian models, are ashamed of how our vajayjays look and smell, spend hard earned money to buy fake boobs, asses, chins, noses, nails, hair, and eyelashes and airbrush over whatever we can’t remold or chop off but now we need to worried about our pits? Unilever says yes!

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Using Gossip Girl actress Jessica Szohr (who) as the spokesdummy, Dove’s newest ad campaign targets women who feel that their underarms are unsightly. According to their research, involving a whopping 500 women, almost 100% of women abhor the sight of their underarms. Really? I had never even thought about it, until now. Wait, I still don’t care. It’s an armpit. Did they ask women who had nothing else going on, at all? Or maybe they were guided towards this shocking discovery in a marketing research session.

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No doubt, they gathered extremely self-conscious women and after plying them with mineral water, Crystal Lite, and self loathing in a secure conference room forced them to look at airbrushed pictures of pre-pubescent yet anorexic models (do I even need to say anorexic given the set up) wearing next to nothing exposing their beautifully airbrushed armpits in a world series of ridiculous poses.

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Watch Ivana Pukalotovka hailing a cab along the Champs-Élysées. See her reaching up to grab and impossible large bouquet tossed to her by her even younger friend who was lucky enough to get married on the exotic Caribbean island of Eluthera. Gaze on her smooth pits as she pins up and elaborate updo, because that is how we do. And watch her litheness reach for that last mango on the cart of some incredible dusty looking person of color surrounded by his dusty family, her alabaster arm pits shining like the midnight sun- a beacon to all.

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And then they asked them- in comparison, don’t you feel your pit just don’t measure up?- anyone who disagreed was probably called a lesbian or a feminist or both and told to leave.

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Maybe I am being too cynical. The article does say that for Mike Dwyer, Unilever’s US Marketing Director, the big question was, “How do we give them confidence?”. Are you sure it wasn’t, “How can we get more money or of these sad old cows.” Sure making women self conscious about their armpits is one way to raise confidence, but consider also maybe NOT pointing out natural occurrences (freckles, boobs, a figure, aging, skin, ethnicity, womanhood) and calling them flaws.

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There is a reason why the much-maligned pit spends half its time folded upon itself. It’s not for you or the viewing public to enjoy or get all hot and bothered over. It’s also nothing to be ashamed of. It’s supposed to regulate body temperature and expel contaminants. It works pretty well, too . And by the way, the problems women sighted with their pits “breakouts, discoloration, itchiness” during their little marketing research seem to be issues created by putting so much manufactured crap under there in the first place—not mention the waxes razors and creams. Please leave our pits alone marketing wizards, please. You have given us enough to worry about. What next? anal bleaching? Oh, wait. It’s already out there.

Want more. Check out HYKI Podcast Episode  3- Augmentation: Add Men

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September 10, 2010 @ 3:39 pm

HYKI is all a-twitter

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We signed up for a twitter account in advance of the onslaught of fans from out soon to be second episode - THE SUPERNATURAL. Astral bodies, dowsing and scrying, you say? No that's all paranormal. We're talking about chrakras, fakirs, theosophy and the like. Don't get it twisted. Tomorrow we are headed to our top secret locale in hipster-infested Bushwick, Brooklyn to lay track for our second installment. And, we have listener mail. We'd love more. Please follow us twitter.com/heyyouknowit Enjoy, Jacquetta of HYKI

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